guffawsungraciously | psl time: single dad au edition

[Jasper feels something twist in his chest at Hendrik's... pleasant but honestly kind of naive assumption, and he's not entirely sure what the feeling provoking it is. Guilt? Shame? Some sort of desire that Hendrik had been correct, even if he really hadn't felt much more for the child's mother besides physical attraction and a general appreciation for the fact that she was good in bed and made for intelligent conversation?

It all sounded far more noble than the truth.]

...You make it sound far more meaningful than it truly was.

[Perhaps Hendrik would go on thinking that, but it was more likely than not that he'd hear it pushed through the mouth of the king by the thing wearing his body or some other gossip. At least if Jasper told Hendrik himself, he'd know he knew instead of being driven mad wondering.]

It was intended to be nothing more than a summer tryst. Something that would provide a few nights of stress relief that the two of us could forget about once we got back to our usual business.

[He'll reach over to touch the teacup himself a bit impatiently, although, well... maybe Hendrik would be a better judge of the appropriate temperature...]

Things did not go at all as planned, because why would they, of course things would go wrong even if I took all the necessary precautions, so I chose to take responsibility for at least finding a decent home.

[...honestly, he'd been so set on taking responsibility that he hadn't really pressed for details on why she couldn't find something, though he suspected based on their conversations that it was some sort of tenuous family politics thing that was far easier to deal with if the baby went to some Heliodorian knight instead of, you know, a local Gondolian family member...]

[Hendrik tries to pay attention to Jasper as he checks on the temperature of the milk, regretting the fact that he hadn't thought to buy another bottle. The bread trick is more ... laborious, to be sure, and it seemed like the baby was not having difficulty with drinking from the bottle.]

...Perhaps it was not as meaningful as I imagine such relations to be, but your-- ah, lover still carried this baby to term and decided she wanted a better life for her. She is fortunate to have someone as responsible as you to turn to.

[In all his sincerity, he doesn't even realize how badly a comment like that can be taken.

As he works on tearing off a piece of bread from the half-loaf he had bought, he grimaces inwardly at his stumbling over the word "lover." It's not as if he cannot imagine Jasper with a lover. Perhaps there's just something to acknowledging that thought aloud that makes it awkward.

He dips the end of the bread in the warm milk and holds it out to Jasper.]

[...oh, huh, that's what the bread's for. he had been kind of wondering if he should eat it himself, because actually he's not sure when the last time he ate was, either? he Zoomed to Gondolia after lunch, and then everything kind of went to shit and he didn't actually have anything to eat after that. he hasn't. really been thinking of food.

...

Anyway, he'll take the bread and bring it over for the baby to suck on, and after a moment of bafflement she... goes for it... okay. whew. she's eating. She is not going to starve from being a baby who can do fuck all for herself.

...okay. good.

...

now he can, uh, respond to all that.]

...I am fairly certain I was one of the last people she contacted about it. She seemed somewhat surprised I even bothered to make an appearance.

...

[does he need to...

...yeah, alright.]

You... have caught on that I am responsible for the situation in the first place, have you not?

[Hendrik keeps looking intently at Jasper and the baby, making sure the baby is actually latching onto the soaked bread. He'll have to save the story about the bread trick for some other day, but he's glad to see it really does seem to work with other babies.

But. Uh.

He slowly turns his attention solely to Jasper when that question hits, his brows knitting together in confusion.]

Well, yes, of course you are responsible...

[...

...Wait.

Does he mean--]

...Oh.

[And he looks down at the baby again, seeming to notice her gold eyes for the first time.

How does he--? What does he even say?]

Jasper.

[He leans back, having to steady himself and take a break with wide eyes.]

She is adorable.

[..........he was kind of steeling himself for some sort of admonishment, maybe?

...like maybe he wasn’t expecting Hendrik to still be this thick, but also...

...

He looks down at her suckling on that bread, with her curious little eyes and how she fits perfectly into the crook of his arm...]

...

She is far too adorable. It may be a problem. I...

[...

He shakes his head.]

I should not get attached.

[Practically falling back onto the chair across from Jasper's chaise (but not really because he could probably break said chair), Hendrik stares at Jasper and the baby with new understanding. The panic and flustering are now especially understandable if he'd just learned about the baby today, and...

...Well. He wonders how much of this "It may be a problem" conversation is even appropriate while Jasper is still busy trying to feed the baby.]

Like it or not, like her or not, she will still need to be fed tonight. And-- er, you will need to eat something at some point, as you will not be sleeping tonight.

[He should probably not be so matter-of-fact about that, but it's true.]

I will look if there are any leftovers in the kitchens. Will you be able to continue feeding her with the bread and milk?

What are you saying, “like her or not”?

[...................wait he kind of just had a knee jerk reaction of being indignant about that.

...where did that even come from. oh god. he’s fucked. he may as well just start trying to think about names now instead of pretending he’s still seriously considering giving her up to someone.

...................but then again his situation is kind of bad. He’s going to crash probably even if he’s wired now, and that’s just tonight...

Fuck.

...oh right his stomach also kind of hurts from being hungry... He clears his throat after he kind of regains his bearings after his protest.]

...in any case, I do believe I have a decent enough understanding of what I am doing at this point. Some food would be appreciated, of course. At this point, I am not even certain I care what food I eat...

[He blinks at the sudden, strong reaction from Jasper, having had little in way of snappy reactions since arriving in the room that he'd actually forgotten to be wary of his temper. It takes him a moment to next absorb what Jasper is reacting to, and he relaxes, lifting his hands in quiet appeasement.

They can talk about that later.

He stands up despite having just sat down, already heading for the door.]

...Fortunately, food for adults should be much more easy to come by than what can be fed to the little one. I will return soon.

[And that's all he says in way of farewell before slipping out the door and into the hallway, making a beeline for the kitchens.]

...yes, I am quite certain of that.

[...hm. He probably should dip the bread in the milk again right about now, huh. Let him just... go ahead and do that. She still seems pretty hungry? She’s still going pretty hard...

...

Since she isn’t much of a conversationalist outside of the occasional tiny grunt he’s kind of left to his own thoughts, which isn’t much of a good thing, given Jasper’s tendency to be Jasper. Like... that was probably the most substantial interaction with Hendrik he’d had in a while, wasn’t it? Since he’d been promoted, probably. And... well, okay. It was kind of nice to see that he hadn’t changed nearly as much as he thought he had. He was still Hendrik, in all his good-naturedly stupid glory. Kind of dumb, but sincere and helpful.

...and, you know, still better than Jasper at everything that actually mattered. Childcare was a really new and unexpected subject to be ashamed about being upstaged in, but boy, did it somehow sting. He probably should at least be grateful that Hendrik was giving helpful advice instead of them both fumbling through to the detriment of this poor, helpless little creature, though...

...right. What can he do for her that seems right... well. He probably should get back to work on that treasure chest. He at least knows that she shouldn’t sleep directly in bed with him, that’s only logical. So that’s something for when she’s done eating. Maybe he can make Hendrik hold her—

..............what if she ended up liking Hendrik more because he actually knew what to do. What the fuck. That would be terrible.

...but on the other hand it would be the natural consequence of trying to raise a baby when you had no business doing so. Oh, wait, she seems like she’s done? He thinks so, anyway. She’s stopped sucking on the bread...]

Are you sure you are finished? Well, I suppose you will let me know when you are hungry again.

[...oh, right, don’t babies need to be burped or something... hang on, let him set the bread down so he can get a bib or a towel to put over his shoulder. Wait, is that only if she fusses? He guesses it can’t hurt.]

[How late is it now...?

This entire evening has been so downright surreal that Hendrik is not even sure the time of night. The kitchens are quiet as he approaches, which tells him the staff have cleared out already, which in turn tells him it must be fairly late...

He looks at the shelves and cabinets first. The weather is cold enough that the kitchens are pretty chilly without any fires going, so he isn't too surprised to see some salted meats and cheeses sitting out. He locates a platter on which to put some things, grabbing a block of cheese and hammer before reconsidering.

Jasper still liked sweets, didn't he?

So he's soon digging around in the pantry and icebox, finding a quarter of a leftover berry jam cake and berry pudding. The cake is added to the platter and some of the pudding scooped into a bowl before he grabs utensils on the way out.

Well, at the very least, he can say he tried to get a variety of things.

The trip back to Jasper's room is pretty quiet, with only one encounter with a patrolling guardsman. Receiving a salute instead of being questioned why he's out at night still continues to be novel, years after his promotion.

He reenters Jasper's room with a polite knock, this time not waiting to be invited in.]

[Right, hold her against his shoulder and gently pat her on the back... he thinks. After a few pats there is success! ...and also he is glad there was an extra cloth on his shoulder because said burp was kind of wet... ugh.

...it doesn’t decrease his appetite, at least, because his face lights up a bit when his eyes settle on the platter. Goddess, why was he ever mad at Hendrik, he is a good man who remembers to bring him dessert.]

...are you telling me I missed more cake with dinner...?

[...okay let him wipe baby’s face off and adjust her a bit in his lap and left arm so he can eat one-handed. Now that she’s fed and burped she seems reasonably chilled out, so it shouldn’t really be a problem.]

Mm?

[Hendrik blinks down at the plate he's holding when he hears Jasper's question. He hadn't actually stayed for dessert while taking dinner, wanting to get vegetables together to take down to Obsidian.]

I do not know how much cake was served at dinner. This was just what I found in the kitchens.

[After shutting the door behind him, Hendrik brings the platter over to the table, trying to carefully rearrange things with the limited space. He then starts breaking off little pieces of the cheese, because he figures Jasper's not going to mind when there's other options available.]

How was the feeding? Did you have any trouble?

I am certain I must have missed more.

[GRUMBLE GRUMBLE. Well, the fact that it was there at all was good. ......then again, he didn’t really have competition any more, did he.

...

...Anyway, he goes for a fork to cut off a little bit of that cake.]

No, it went rather well, I believe. She seem to be in decent enough spirits now, at any rate.

[He looks down at her and smiles.]

Is that not right, little freeloader?

[She looks at him with an expression he’s not sure he can read and then yawns........ with his validation denied to him by his daughter being too young to properly react, Jasper just goes ahead and stuffs a bite of cake in his mouth in a vaguely sulky way.]

[Skies, how many smiles is he going to see from Jasper tonight? He'd always been the more serious of the two of them, so he can't recall as many times where he was so distinctly ... smiley. Affectionate? ...Smiley worked just as well.

So he just watches for a little while, smiling in between eating pieces of cheese. He soon finds his attention wandering back to the milk bottle.]

She will need to be fed at least every four hours. Possibly more often, depending on how old she is. That is why I mentioned you would likely not be sleeping tonight.

[Whether that continued from there depended entirely on what Jasper wanted to do with the baby.

...

Should he mention anything to that effect...?]

It ... looks like you already like her.

...she would be two weeks and six days, I believe, though I suppose she will simply alert me when she is hungry.

[...are four hour naps bad? Then again, he’ll probably be up with racing thoughts a whole lot. He wasn’t exactly sleeping well before this, but...

...yeah. That’s the hard-hitting unspoken question. He takes another bite of cake as he mulls it over.]

I was not actually expecting to get attached, but I have only had her for several hours and yet if anything were to befall her, I would likely go on a bloody rampage that would only end with my own death.

[...]

Mild hyperbole aside, it is making things difficult. I do not think I am equipped for this long term and the environment is not exactly friendly towards raising a child, particularly one as young as her, but ultimately, I do not even know anyone I would trust with her.

[........................like, Hendrik’s even busier than he is, sssso]

Waiting for the baby to tell you she is hungry is ... ah, setting a bad precedent. I have heard that starts the habit of the baby realizing she must cry for any attention at all.

[He scratches the back of his neck at the thought. Older children also get into that habit as well.

He's quiet as he thinks of his own experiences. Certainly, he was much older than the baby when he'd lost his family, but...]

When I was first brought to Heliodor by the King, my options were to join the training to become a knight candidate or be taken in by the church in hopes someone will either adopt me or take me on to learn a craft. Become an apprentice.

[He hadn't liked the uncertainty of the possibilities offered by the church, and he'd already had wishes of becoming a knight. So his decision was seems obvious now.]

Adopting a baby would be difficult. I cannot imagine anyone other than the fairly wealthy taking in an orphan right now.

[But on the other hand, maybe there was a couple who really wanted a child. He casts Jasper a torn look, wishing he could actually say something helpful.]

...

[...he has to admit, that does make sense, but...]

Really, Hendrik, how do you know so much about this...? I cannot recall, were you spending that much time with the princess when she was that young?

[LIKE... HE HAS TO ASK... but anyway, he’s demolished the cake so now it’s time for a little ham before he continues.]

In fairness, her situation and yours are a bit different. She is too young to make choices for herself, and I can care for her until something suitable is found. You do raise a salient point, though, and I find myself concerned about being able to fully evaluate anyone who may be interested. I doubt anyone with ill intentions would leave the skeletons lying around their closets for me to see, after all.

[...it’s half cynicism, half trying to give himself a rational excuse for why it may be better to keep her, really...]

[...Oh, right, he had meant to answer that question, but it fell by the wayside in favor of focusing on other things. He only has to think about sharing the information for a moment, seeing as Jasper already knows of his circumstances.]

Ah, I did not have a chance to help with the Princess... My mother and sisters had many stories about raising babies. My older sisters helped raise me, as well.

[He's a little unsure how to feel admitting as much. Proud? Embarrassed? It was far in the past now, but it still left him warm to think about.

As Jasper rationalizes through how things can go with the baby, he picks at the cheese to give his fingers something to do. Would he be of a similar mindset if this was his child? ...Well, he probably had some better resources, what with his promotion. But even if he wasn't a general, he wouldn't want to give up a child of his own.

So... So he should say that.]

...If you do not want to give up the baby, that is understandable, Jasper.

[...you know... actually...]

That... makes sense, yes. I am... glad you remembered all of them well enough.

[...on some level, it feels impressive enough to him that it brings out some uneasy sincerity. He doesn’t remember nearly as much about his mother, which... well. In fairness, he was much younger when he last saw her, at least in relative terms.

Admittedly, at this very moment, he does wish he remembered her more. It’s kind of a strange realization, to be in this situation. It must have been agonizing for her, since she’d raised him for several years before she had to find a new home for him... and here he was struggling with a child he’d known for less than a day. Would that he could ask her for advice on how to... actually manage this.]

...I know it is natural to feel that way. The trouble comes from the fact that my desire to keep her is at odds with my desire for her to have the best life she can.

[...actually maybe the king would have some advice if, you know, he wasn’t possessed. And also if he didn’t kick Jasper out of the castle for getting some random woman pregnant.

...]

The princess did have a nursemaid after we lost the Queen, did she not? I wonder how expensive it would be to hire someone for assistance...

[Hendrik smiles wanly at Jasper's acknowledgment of where his 'baby knowledge' came from. What a strange situation, for it to suddenly be relevant and useful to ... well, someone he hasn't spoken to at length for years.

He nods at Jasper's logic. Being a single parent sounds remarkably difficult. The fact that His Majesty could have as close a relationship as he had with the Princess before ... everything happened ... was a testament to hard hard he tried to find a balance in his responsibilities.

But Jasper isn't a king. He doesn't have those kinds of resources.]

I assume the Princess had at least two nursemaids. I never saw either of them, but I imagine the assistance depends on how much of the day you require help.

[The nursemaid would also have to rest sometime, which is why he assumes there were at least two employed.]

Hmm.

[all right, PUDDING TIME.]

Perhaps the servants would know. I imagine I will have little time for most of the other things I tend to spend money on, so I am sure I could cover the time I spend on duty...

[...sigh.........]

Farewell, sweet vacation fund. Your sacrifice will allow you to serve a far nobler purpose for the next few years, at least until she is old enough to accompany me...

[...When she’s old enough to travel, it’d be nice to go as a family kind of thing. Kids like playing at the beach, ri—

wait. Hold up. He kind of freezes with a spoonful of pudding like... halfway to his mouth and stares at it. Then glances down at the baby, who is dozing contentedly now that all the excitement has passed and she has some food in her.]

Good Goddess, Hendrik, I am a father now. What is happening here.

[As Jasper continues thinking aloud, Hendrik finds himself wondering how difficult the balance will be for him. He's only had his family's words and what he's observed with Princess Jade to shape any comparisons. His family had neighbors who were more than happy to help with the raising of children. King Carnelian could request the assistance of any nursemaids, doctors, and others in the kingdom...]

I admit I never imagined either of us as fathers, but it is a beautiful moment. You have started your own family, Jasper.

[His eyes follow Jasper's down to the baby, wistfully watching her slumber against his friend's arm.]

I will have to catch up. Someday.

[...

He shakes himself, realizing that's wholly inappropriate right now, and slips to another topic quickly.]

Perhaps you should consider speaking to His Majesty for advice? I-- er, he would likely have some helpful words to impart, from one father to another?

I am still finding the whole thing a bit difficult to wrap my head around, admittedly.

[...But something about Hendrik’s words make him feel a bit warm inside. That’s right... even if it’s just one other person, he has a family again. One that’s undeniably his, where he doesn’t have to find himself questioning his place in it at even the best of times. Then, he was never made to feel unwelcome, but he knew he was still always destined to be the king’s knight rather than his son.

There was no actual ambiguity here. This is his daughter, and he is her father. What the hell, it’s...

...Goddess, he needs to good-naturedly rib Hendrik about whether or not he’s figured out how to talk to pretty girls yet before he starts getting choked up. He almost gets there, but... the mention of the idea of talking to the king feels like having a bucket of ice water dumped right over him.]

I... cannot do that.

[Shit. He’s so thrown off that even Hendrik might notice something’s up. He didn’t even give himself room to say something like “yeah, I’ll think about it, not like you’ll notice if I do or not anyway,” which is bad.]

[Again with these quick changes in reactions. Hendrik frowns and tilts his head, reaching for more of the cheese as he tries to figure out how to process Jasper's response. If he hadn't already seen some nervous reactions tonight, Hendrik imagines he wouldn't have noticed that hesitation.]

Are you worried about what His Majesty might say? I am sure he will be surprised, but the King rarely has a disparaging word for anyone requesting his advice.

[King Carnelian has been colder and and less talkative since the events at Dundrasil, but that seems highly understandable.]

[...should he...

He can’t tell Hendrik. He won’t believe him. If he does believe him, he’ll probably get himself killed. If he doesn’t get himself killed, then...

Then he’ll get all the credit. Just like Dundrasil, he’ll be the hero, and Jasper will be berated for not acting quickly enough, for going gallivanting off to Puerto Valor and focusing more on his vices than his country and leaving some young woman to bear his child.

He can only redeem himself in the king’s eyes if he does this on his own. He can only catch up to Hendrik if he works alone.]

He is already aware, Hendrik. I do not believe he is in the mood to be giving advice on the matter.

[...but fuck, how does he protect his child? He can’t fight the demon on his own, he’s been made quite aware of that, so...]

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