guffawsungraciously | psl time: single dad au edition

[Jasper does manage to sit up a bit to take his goblet, but he still wants to lounge. So, you know, reasonably casual like, but not going to spill wine all over himself when he goes to take a drink.

...

He stares at his goblet at the question, then turns to Hendrik.]

...what, do you mean outside of this?

[...

He stares at his wine a bit more. He considers actually going into it, since he's at least somewhat certain he was stressed and distracted enough to mix up his contraceptive accessory with some similar bangle and not notice the whole vacation...

...

Hahaha, what's talking about his actual feelings even outside of the fact that he doesn't want to talk about the king being possessed? Granted, that's the elephant in the room, since it's the thing that's been fucking with everything else.

...and even if Hendrik still feels like Hendrik, like he hasn't actually decided he's better than Jasper, except maybe he sort of does because he's obviously better at childcare, he's still lagging so far behind because he's still some rank and file knight and Hendrik's a general...

...

Oh, he's been staring at his drink for a while without actually saying anything. Uh. Hm.]

Well enough, I suppose.

[......ssssip.]

[The way the silence stretches on as Jasper ponders the question makes Hendrik nervous, second-guessing his decision to ask a question -- and, well, to stay over at all. Strange how he can feel so nervous about something so innocuous. Somehow, the presence of the baby made him feel more comfortable about the situation, as if she was a ... buffer for...

A buffer for their lack of actual conversation in a handful of years.

Ah. There it is. There's the underlying reason why he suddenly feels nervous.]

Oh. I see.

[Nothing Jasper cared to share. That's how he interprets the answer.

He reaches for the wine bottle, set on the floor because of the lack of table, and half-fills his goblet.

...Maybe he should just ... rip off that bandage and get it out there.]

I, er, I feel as if I should apologize. For falling out of touch.

[Jasper resists the urge to snap back in anger, because...

...

He's not sure, really. Gratitude, maybe. Hendrik had been a lot of help tonight, so there's no reason to be rude. So he'll just keep staring at his goblet...]

It was only to be expected. You have gone on to bigger and better things, and I am sure your duties take up much of your time.

[..............oh huh that did sound kind of bitter, didn't it. Oops. He takes another sip and works on trying to apply another layer of emotional repression onto his insecurities so he doesn't completely lay into a man who's been nothing but pleasant and helpful this evening.]

[Well, there goes anything resembling the comfortable atmosphere of a few minutes ago. Good work, Sir Hero.

But Jasper is trying to explain away the situation, and that somehow feels multiple times worse than the uncomfortable tension in the air.]

If it is to be expected, it is only because I set a precedent for allowing work to take up all of my time.

[He turns the goblet around between his fingers, staring at the barely-moving liquid as he tries to put together more words.]

...I may be out of the city more often these days, but it does not excuse not stopping by to at least say good morning when I am here. We used to be part of each other's routine.

[It's a silly little thing, just walking across the hallway to say good morning before comparing schedules for the day. Something he's taken for granted.

But he must have convinced himself that their schedules were too different now. Or that he would somehow bore or offend Jasper with his different obligations.]

[...it is nice to hear an apology, at least. He wishes it had come sooner, but Hendrik... well... at least it was nothing overly judgmental. No one had outright confronted him over certain things he was sure half the castle secretly blamed him for, but...

Sigh. Jasper should probably at least admit to himself that hearing Hendrik talk about all his new important duties would leave him feeling frustrated and inadequate, but he has to admit, it would probably be better than feeling like he was alone. And, well, honestly...]

...It is not as though there was some insurmountable barrier keeping me from checking in on you, either. Honestly, I must have forgotten how intently focused you can get at times... if there is no one to redirect you, you may find yourself running right into a wall one of these days.

[It’s at least more good humored than his last statement, if nothing else. Though, now that he’s thinking things through a bit, he has to wonder...]

I must admit, even with times as they are, I am somewhat concerned about how hard the king is working you, if you are this occupied. Have you at least been given adequate assistance?

[He does think that Hendrik is probably more of a useful idiot than a threat in the demon’s eyes, but at the same time, he does have to wonder...]

I am not that bad...

[Hendrik grimaces at the terribly accurate observation of his behavior, forcing himself to look away from the wine goblet to at least meet the remark head-on. Jasper's expression is, at the very least, not as severe as he imagined it could be.

He takes a long drink of his wine, sighing to himself as he focuses on that bit of "somewhat concern."]

Adequate assistance? I-- ah, inherited the former general's vice chief of staff, so he is ensuring campaigns go according to plan.

[It really was a major blow to Heliodor's army to lose both its general and chief of staff in Dundrasil. How they managed to scrabble any of the Heliodorian retinue into escaping the overrun kingdom was truly a miracle.

He quietly eyes Jasper over the lip of his goblet as he takes another drink. He may have saved the King, but he hadn't rallied the troops into action beforehand.]

He is kept awfully busy as well. There is a considerable backlog of reports because of the ... er, suddenness of my promotion and the increased monster activity.

[His vice chief of staff was an older gentleman as well. The increased campaigns and decreased amount of senior knights to watch over the new recruits were constant points of stress for him.]

Ah, right, I do remember hearing that Sir Lazarite’s retirement had been delayed indefinitely.

[Jasper takes another sip of wine and thoughtfully looks up at the ceiling.]

That poor old soul ought to be relaxing at his family’s estate and keeping an eye on his grandchildren by now, not managing your campaigns.

[...

He sighs heavily and shakes his head.]

But very few things are as they ought to be these days.

[Even discounting the hell Jasper was presently in, it was hard not to be... at least a little depressed even three years since the fall of Dundrasil...]

[Hendrik shifts a little in his seat as Jasper turns his gaze upward, an uncomfortable wave of ... something sweeping over him as that last remark echoes in his head. Frustration? Helplessness?

The entire kingdom is struggling. The entire world, if is he honest with himself. It is a wonder that more people are not aware of this encroaching darkness that has permeated the land since the Darkspawn's birth.

But perhaps those are just the thoughts of a man who has been on the battlefield more than his share in the past few years.]

I hate to sound ... alarming on the matter, but things seem like they will only get worse. If the Darkspawn is not found, I cannot see an end to this increased aggression from monsters. I have told Sir Lazarite to think about choosing a successor. Perhaps the heavy snow this year will allow us to remain in place long enough that he can do that.

[Goddess, it’s so awkward knowing it’s already so much worse than Hendrik thinks. Who even knows what the demon on the throne is planning with all of this? He’s certain the thing’s just biding its time for something and ordering expeditions just to keep up appearances, but to what end?

Ahhh, that just reminds him it’s going to be more difficult to research things now to see if there’s any historical clues as to who this demon might be... Maybe when Celestine’s too young to care about content and just wants to hear a soft voice speaking to her, he can read his materials aloud to her. That’s something, perhaps, but...

...and, well, he still wants to assist his friend and the kingdom. For all his frustration at some things Hendrik has done and some ways he’s felt Hendrik has been favored over him by the people of Heliodor, he can’t even imagine losing him, and he knows he’d hate to see the kingdom suffer because their newest general was being overwhelmed by the encroaching darkness.]

Well, I know I do not have the station to do much on my own, but you do know you can ask me for assistance when you need it, do you not? Even if it is not in any official capacity, I am certain I can find some way to ease your burdens.

[...maybe he’ll even put in a recommendation with Sir Lazarite. Chief of staff isn’t exactly his dream position and the idea of working under Hendrik rather than beside him feels kind of humiliating, but hell, he’d take it at this point. He feels so useless as some rank and file knight who occasionally does the demon’s paperwork when he’s too busy... fuck if he knows. Doing demon things, he guesses.

...plus a salary boost wouldn’t hurt, all things considered... like he’s in perfectly fine financial shape to take care of a baby, but some discretionary income would be nice for the both of them.]

[Taking a deeper drink of his wine, Hendrik contemplates Jasper's offer. While he's respected and admired his friend for most of their lives (except for those rare moments when he was angry and hurt), the only time he had thought of pulling Jasper into his realm of work was when he was thinking about how his friend really should have been promoted in the aftermath of Dundrasil.]

I would much prefer it were in an official capacity. I do not claim to know everything you studied in Sniflheim, but you have always been excelled over everyone in scholarship.

[And didn't His Majesty used to ask Jasper for advice? ...Maybe that was just a rumor he had heard.

He worries his lower lip for a moment before speaking again.]

When I learned from His Majesty that he would appoint me as general of the army, I asked if he intended to promote you as well. He rejected the idea at the time, stating that Sir Lazarite would be staying on.

[...]

But it has been three years. As you have said, the man has long deserved his retirement. I fear the stress of the current environment will end him before someone else is trained to take on that work.

[Jasper stops mid-sip, a bit... well, surprised, perhaps.]

Oh, you... did ask about it, then?

[He’s not sure how he feels about the knowledge that Hendrik actually... asked about it... perhaps in the hopes that they’d be promoted together? He doesn’t know that for certain, but with how Hendrik’s talking now...

...ah, he’s staring and he feels his cheeks flushing a bit, so he turns away. He really shouldn’t let himself look so affected by the whole thing, even if he really is relieved that his friend does seem like he’s been in his corner this whole time. Did the king tell him why Jasper wasn’t promoted? It... doesn’t really sound like he was given the reason Jasper was. Maybe he did want to keep it private after all?

...

But, if he was angry enough with Jasper about the whole thing to pin all the blame on him, then why would he keep it private? ...maybe he should bring it up to let Hendrik down gently.]

...

It has been three years, yes, but I do not know if that would affect the king’s judgement at all.

[...wait, no, it’s not the king, it’s the demon. That just makes his gloomy expression even gloomier... the demon knows Jasper is trying to find a way to deal with him, so why would he promote him? It was even less likely than the actual king doing it.]

[Jasper's surprise catches Hendrik's ear, and he again stares at his goblet while turning it between his hands. He doesn't know why the surprise makes him feel ... guilty, of all things. Maybe he should have mentioned it to him back when he had asked King Carnelian? It seemed rather demoralizing, so he had thought it better not to say anything...

He glances up, noticing that Jasper has turned his head away. Taking another sip of his wine, he sighs.]

I did not want to mention it when everything was still ... raw. And then I suppose I forgot to say anything at all.

[He sure seemed to forget to communicate quite a bit.]

Time having passed would perhaps not change his mind, but circumstances are somewhat different now. I should at least try.

[Jasper furrows his brows in thought before taking another sip of wine. He... hm. He probably should ask a little more, just because... well. He doesn't want an answer on whether or not Hendrik also blames him for the loss of the princess, but he's at least curious if they're on the same page...?]

Did he... explain his initial reasoning for it at all?

[...ughhhhhh he immediately regrets asking, it feels vaguely whiny...]

...in any case, you can do as you will. I suppose it is unlikely that it will do any harm.

Then I will figure out a way to bring it up.

[...Truth be told, he probably would have done so even if Jasper protested. He thinks he has a decent case in favor of Jasper's promotion, instead of what had happened shortly after Dundrasil.

He frowns wryly as he reaches to refill his wine. Just a little more. He'd much rather have beer or liquor, even if they were considered inappropriate in more "formal" settings.]

He said there was little sense in the promotion when there was someone who could take over the role. I ... could see the rationale there, so I did not say much else. He said the army could not afford to have two inexperienced youths in such positions.

[It was probably true, but the bluntness stifled any further desire to ask questions on his part.]

I... see.

[...well, Jasper knows why, but. This is very confusing? Why didn't he tell Hendrik what he told Jasper? The King was angry enough that he's sure that...

...

...You know... he's admittedly still concerned about Hendrik getting all the credit... but he has to wonder...

In any case, he shakes off his confusion so he can respond properly.]

Well, I will be interested in hearing the response. If my experience is still in question, I could potentially work under him for a time until he retires. It is not as though he does not need the help...

[...he grimaces because he sounds a little bit like he's begging, but on the other hand, Hendrik and Lazarite clearly need the help.]

[He's thankful that Jasper doesn't sound despondent upon hearing what His Majesty had said back then; the thought of imparting depressing knowledge doesn't sit well with him, even if he's had to face that reality with his new closeness to the entire process of honoring knights killed in battle.

...Hendrik tries to shake away those thoughts, knowing they have no place in this current setting.]

Even with inexperience being the issue, is this not why you went to Sniflheim? I confess I do not know the breadth of what Sir Lazarite does beyond tactics and supply management, but what he does is beyond my own education.

[His voice lowers to a murmur as he imagines aloud.]

Perhaps if all goes well, you can be properly distinguished for your work.

[And maybe, considering his worries about the monster attacks escalating, they could argue that it would be beneficial to have a second general to combat the issue...

He lifts his free hand to rub the bridge of his nose. That's just a fantasy, unfortunately.]

[...the abject dread Jasper feels at actually going into the king’s rationale is overtaken by the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with the more explicit confirmation that yes, Hendrik does think he got screwed over... it’s so much easier to face when he actually feels a certain level of solidarity here. He... he probably won’t agree with the king’s apparent judgment, right?]

I... well...

[He shifts a bit to sit up instead of lounging, though he unconsciously ends up in a bit of a slouch. it’s still hard to talk about it because it hurts.

and because even as he rails against it and thinks it’s unfair, some part of him thinks that the king’s judgment was correct.]

...

The king seemed to consider my inability to save the princess from the forces of the Darkspawn a mark against me. That is what he told me at the time.

[He sounds a bit uncertain about it, because he... thought it wasn’t even a secret? He thought everyone knew and agreed but were too polite to say anything, and...]

I do not think it was rational, but...

[...if it wasn’t, would he even have had time to apologize for lashing out? He doesn’t even know. Perhaps that’s the true reason for the discrepancy. He doesn’t know when it was that the king was overtaken, after all...]

It made it somewhat difficult for me to approach him afterwards.

[Silence.

It's strange how ... complete the silence feels in that moment, with Hendrik slowly looking over at Jasper in abject disbelief. Did he... Did he hear that right? How was something like that even possible?

This had happened and he had heard nothing about it?]

That cannot be right. Why would... Why would His Majesty say such a thing? To you?

[He doesn't mean to be in denial, to choose a side in some unconscious way. The words spill out without much -- or maybe any -- thought.]

The Princess was... She was killed by the Darkspawn. I do not understand.

[...he probably shouldn't have expected to be believed on something like this, but it still kind of hurts after everything went so well up until this point... maybe if he explains himself more?]

It is not as thought I wanted to believe it, either. I... I believe it was just... as I said, people do not always act rationally when they are grieving. It was not as though he could take things out on the Darkspawn. Perhaps he regrets it at this point, I do not know. We have not truly spoken on the matter since then.

[...for different reasons than Hendrik probably assumes, but...]

...It simply confuses me that he was not clear with you when he was very clear with me. I had thought if he was in that much pain in the first place, then...

[...he trails off, nervously rubbing the stem of his goblet and looking at the ground, his brows furrowed in confusion. There are... several thoughts coming to mind.

First, he does not know precisely when the King was possessed.

Second, he really does not know if he is just imagining all of this. If Dundrasil had simply broken him somehow and caused him to lose touch with reality.]

[Hendrik reins in any additional exclamations to try his best to listen to Jasper, brows knit in confusion and concern.]

He mentioned nothing of the sort to me. If he had, I would most certainly have spoken to you about it.

[Because it's a ridiculous notion. Jasper was no more responsible for Princess Jade's death than anyone else in the army.]

Queen Eleanor made off with the Princess and the Darkspawn that night. There was no way to communicate that out to the entire retinue until we were clear of the fighting. The Princess' ... death rests with no one but the royals and the Darkspawn.

[And he was even reluctant to paint the king and queen as responsible, given King Carnelian made it sound like King Irwin had been driven into a frenzy.

He sighs heavily and turns his attention back to his goblet, drinking without tasting. Talking about Dundrasil was never easy.]

Perhaps someday you can speak to His Majesty about the subject. Clear the air before it weighs too heavily upon you.

...yes. You are right. I am not even certain if I would have presumed anything was amiss had I seen them together.

[...he probably would have just presumed Eleanor was trying to protect her or get her to safety, given their relationship. Goddess, no wonder the king had been so angry...

...it’s hard to feel reassured even though Hendrik is right. He’s been reevaluating how he could have done things differently to save more people in Dundrasil for years now. And he feels his chest tighten at Hendrik’s suggestion, because he... he wants to, but...]

...perhaps someday, yes. I am not sure if either of us are quite prepared for that yet.

[...he finds himself wondering if he ever even will get that chance. He promptly tries to down the rest of his goblet at the thought that he won’t.]

[It's a heavy topic for both of them and, for stretching it out at all, Hendrik feels guilty. He reaches over and pats Jasper's knee, his chair situated too far for him to pat his old friend's arm or shoulder in an apologetic way.]

I do not mean to belabor the point of speaking to His Majesty. Whenever you are ready. But I do want to assure you that I have not heard of any heinous rumors to the effect of you being blamed.

[But maybe Jasper knows that already. It seems like something he would receive harassment over if the rumor had made it into the main body of the army.]

[Perhaps Jasper should have known that all along. It almost feels a bit silly to have been so concerned about it, but... left to his own devices, he’d let his mind run away with various possibilities.

He’s not fully reassured, but...]

...that is good to know. I have not heard any gossip to that effect myself, either, but it is not as though I am unused to people being unwilling to say things to my face.

[...gossip among the actual knights had dried up compared to what he remembered from his childhood, but...

...]

Of course, I am certain you would censure those who would dare to spread those sorts of rumors quite harshly. You never did have any patience for that sort of behavior.

[Hendrik withdraws his hand to cup his goblet with both hands again, a wry snort escaping as he hears Jasper's remark about his ... tolerance for gossiping.]

It is a strange place to be, having the rank to discipline those who do not uphold the knight's pledge or commit moral failings against their fellows. I find myself wishing we had more lectures.

[A very odd place to be with his less-than-stellar scholarship in their youth.]

But such improvements will have to wait until we have a better handling of current affairs.

[His eyes wander towards the corner of the room where the baby sleeps just out of sight. Helping out Jasper and his new daughter has been a welcome change of pace.]

Ah, I can imagine it would be a bit difficult to handle morale in that sort of situation, with things as difficult as they are. Still, leaving it to go unchecked is also not the best for morale either...

[...there has definitely been a streak of Jasper’s personality that’s kind of wanted to get back at those kinds of people anyway, even if he knows it would be kind of counterproductive to go overboard. Sometimes you’re tired of being nice and you want to go little a apeshit, as a treat.

...oh, wait, Hendrik was talking about helping with Celestine, wasn’t he. He got kind of caught up in other things...]

In any case, I am sure things with Celestine will be somewhat easier when we get things in order and I settle into a routine with her, so I hope I will not need too much assistance from you once the weather clears and you are a bit busier, even if I do hope you still make time to visit.

psl time: single dad au edition

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